A Eulogy from Pat
Also known as "The Book of Pat" or just "Pat", it is the oldest and longest book from the Ancient "Strës Kömplëks" which was a holy book to the Hashians of old. Chapter 4 I'm crazy, nahp, you don't know me. ¿If I die, who cares? ¡Just don't hit me in the face! Because I'll go nuts. 13 Whenist ever someone doth hit me in the face, I loseth control and it all doth become a red blur, and I cannist not never no kinds of remember it. 22 And so I sayeth again, thou dothn't know me. 31 Soon there came to be Guano Man . He was inith my presence, and so I saidith to him, "Truly you are Guano Man." 40 And Guano Man came to me saying, "Now I am Guano Man, and I am invincible." 49 And he (4) proceeded to place me in The Great Tsunami. 58 Now I came to know that there is no escape from The Great Tsunami. And no one can defeateth Guano Man. 67 Thoth in my final breath I said to him, "Truly you shall not hit me in the face, for I will go crazy." Thus Guano Man begat to strike my visage. 76 So I proceedith to pull the mask off Guano Man and pummel him unceasingly. 85 For I am crazy and, truly, you don't know me. Chapter 13 Whenist in the course of human events it becometh apparant that some pieceseths of society doth not belong, 13 the agonizingith scrutiny mayeth lead someof even the most objective to disreguardith the jest that art made of them. 22 Their entire embodymentith art pretense, and thus perchance causeeth them to write some thing like this... 31 Today I awoketh and kneweth it was Sunday; okay I'm lying. I never even went to sleep Saturday night. I dranketh a beer for breakfast... on myne own cereal. It tasted all right. 40 I filled myne own mind the beforehand night with cigarettes and songs I had been smoking. 49 I smoketh the green, green grass of home, yet The Cannibals thinketh I jest. 58 Today I woketh and knoweth it was Monday, or maybe it still beith Sunday- whatever. Thus I discoveredeth I had been unto a fight. Thus I combed myne face, and thus I wet myne hair. 67 ¡Alas! I staggered out thee door to meet the dawn, "¡Hello, Dawn!" 76 On this day I passeth a kid whom pickedeth his own nose and eatith thine boogers. 85 And I passeth a little old lady whom hath finishedeth off thine can she wath kicking. 94 So I turneth down an alley and got a whiff of someone *sniff sniff sniff* raising chickens. This began to remind me: ¡¡I didith not buyeth Right Guardeth yesterday!! 103 On this day I knoweth not the date and careth not what the hell day it is hence. 112 Myne own person goeth for a walk, and ignore mucho fuckingith signs which declareth: Roadith Construction. 121 Thus I felleth unto a trench and hurt myne own ankle. 130 So I goeth home, drinketh a beer, and fell unto the floorith, 139 and then felleth asleep. Chapter 22 Now onith a day longith ago I found my person surrounded by rocks on all sides. 13 And a Gorilla came to me saying, "For we art in The Grand Canyon, and we must go to the bottom and jump in the water there. 22 For it is hot, and after we walk far to there we will be covered in sweat and ¡Nahp! I will be an african-american and ¡Nahp! you will be a native-american." 31 So upon the way downith we passed mules and The Ranger of Rumpeth . The Ranger said, "You guys, youse the trail." And so, as to not causeth trouble, we followed the pathithithith. 40 Suddenly I heard, ¡Hark! The bridge section of Deadith Embryonicith Cellsith followed close by a gunshot. 49 For then we ranith until we stoppeth. 58 Whenst we found ourselves by a river in which many babeiths were swimming. 67 So I proceeded to say unto The Gorilla, "¿How has it come to be that a cart shall arrive here all at the bottom of The Grand Canyon?" 76 And The Gorilla doth reply, "Indeed, for there isith a cart here. ¿How has this come to pass?" 85 And I did not knowith; so I saidith, "We doth mustist chuck it's ass into hence Colorado River." 94 And it became so. Chapter 31 Now on this day The Gorilla and I returned to the top of The Grand Canyon. And along the way I drank some water. 13 The Gorilla drank some water also. 22 ¡Hark! I saw the colours change, and ¡Double Hark! The mountains move, and the rocks ¡Triple Hark! 31 The rocks themselves moved, and I kneweth the water cool. 40 Thus The Gorilla took into his possession some water from The Grand Canyon, and I drankith more and look, I tasted it and it was good. 49 Now in the time taken to climbith yon mountain, we had fallen behind. 58 And Mr. Gehrketh was angry at us. He came to know that I was sorry, and all was well. Chapter 40 Now later that nighteth we rode in The Van From Paradise Valleyith and ¡Alas! I took another drink of the water de La Grande Canyonith. 13 And thus I looked behind The Gorilla and I saw whence heretofore thus in his general direction an evil creature made of a Megaith Foodsith bag. 22 Thus The Gorilla and I were stricken by terror and were assaultedithy byith The Bag Man . 31 For forty minutes and forty seconds we struggled in awe of The Bag Man's strength. Then finally he (13) was defenestrated from the van. 40 I thought The Bag Man was nomoreth but, in a final act of terror, he showed his presenceth against the glass before blowing awayith. 49 And now it came to be later that The Bag Man stoleth a car and chased usith, but we sealed the doors and windowsiths in response to his threatith. Chapter 49 In thus beginning... "¿What about killing fields? ¿Art there a time?" Thus inquired Ma-Ke-Ru . 13 "¡Now thou art standing in myne own killing fields!" Thus exclaimed Araya. 22 "¡Running blind throughout killing fields, bred to kill all hence!" Thus revealed Hetfield. 31 "The killing fields art in Rally's on Thirty-Second Street and Greenway." Thus said Hoshizaki. 40 The Prince felteth Helpless, The Wait througheth The Small Hours in hence Crash Course in Brain Surgery made him Stone Cold Crazy enougheth to Overkill. ¿So What if heith was just Killing Time? the Last Caress of his Breadfan madeth him asketh, "¿Am I Evil?" but after thus Blitzkrieg he wenteth to Green Hell anywayeth. 49 So then I says, "¡Listen Shmendrik! 58 Thou shalt not take moochers into thy hut." 67 Then I cameth upon a vision of Spinal Tap being asked to recordith an audio clip for hence radio stationith. They were to sayeth: Nobody rocketh harder. 76 But then they answered, "¿Bu' we doh' really knoweth tha' na' do we? ¿Wha' if somebody rocketh harda'? ¿We doh' whana' look stupid, na' do we?" 85 Later they came to be in the middle of "Break Like Thee Wind" when a large form descendedeth upon thus drummer, 94 and their singer sayeth hence, "Somebu'e did no' ge' a big enough oxygen tank, bu' that's supposed to be a devil. 103 Whe' it's fully infla'ed, it looks quite menacing an' fierce. We hail you our dark lord. 112 "Now, mos' people think there're only five members to Spinal Tap, but there're really six. 121 "¡I said, 'There're really six!' ¡That was the cue to raise thu lights! We're trying to give these pathe'ic losers a moment of glory in their otherwise useless lives." Then he sayeth, "¡Oh well, cue the lasers!" 130 Thus I saw multi-coloured beams of light flashething around yonder stage ¡And Look! I saw one striketh the singer in the numb. 139 He then shouted, "¡I'm blind! ¡That's it, the show's over; there will be NO encore!" 148 Now I say, only four things which scareth me art: suits, alarmeth clocks, apartmenteth buildings and... The Bag Man. ¿And why doth they calleth them buildings whenest they art already built? 157 Now in one dayeth in thus past I came to see three visions: 166 Now in the virst of these visions, I saw The Gorilla and he stood 'intrigued,' now thus he came upon a view of a great battle between the forces of good and evil. After this he began knowing and practicing great proficiency in unarmed Kombat. 175 Now in the second of these visions, I saw myself, and I wath ¡HAPPY! Truly I was joyous and I doth dance with a light heart down the streets. Then I seeith myself come upon Mr. Pibb, for he had taken the place of Dr. Pepperith. Thus I saw myself 'intrigued.' 184 Now in the third of these visions I saweth Chi'en , then, to myne own dismay, I saw the nuclear destruction of World War IV. However, after yon smoke cleared, I saweth Chi'en. In thus world where all things changed, Chi'en stayeth the same. 193 And a voice cameth onto me saying, "For these art not the only visions, for there will be one more hence." Chapter 58 Thou tasteth hence water. It being of purity, of coldness and of sweetness. ¡Instantly thou feelith wonderful! Thy wounds art completely healedeth. 13 Thou hast ne'er felteth so good. Thou drinketh more of the water. 22 ¡Truly this art a wonderful source for water! Thou art lucky to hath discovered it. 31 So lucky, hence, thy art ne'er to leave it. Thou art going to stayeth and guardeth hence remarkable source of canyon river watereth for the remaining portion of thy life. 40 As thou art sitting hence, thou seeith thyne enemy enter. Waving at his person, thou inviteth him over for one drink of hence wonderful water. 49 So now as I drinketh of thy water the fourth and final vision comes upon me: I saweth myne own person and I was sittingith in myne own room, and The Brass Giraffe did begin to move. 58 And his eyes did gloweth red, and he did jump upon the floor, and he did begin to bite my foot. 67 Thus I useth the power of Ma-Ke-Ru to kick it's ass out of the hence window. 76 As I tooketh Chi'en for a hence walk these little dogiths began barking at Chi'en and myself. Thus I remembered that one time I tossedeth a piece of wire in there with the dogs. 85 Because before that I picked up the piece of wire, after I crossed the street, after I threw the piece of wire. 94 Before that I picked up the piece of wire so that I would not forget that before that The Byrd and I ate at Subway after I bought a book. 103 I bought the book on the spur of the moment while we waited for the movie to start. We had gone up to see 'Spy Hard,' and we did. 112 I had been walking Chi'en to get copies of my equiptment sheet because, I started some campaign (22) with some guys in Denny's 121 because, another idea for a campaign didn't work after The Biker called me and asked me to go to Denny's. 130 On the way home I stepped in a pile of shit, 139 I also saw a babe on a bicyclyth and she was hot. I think Chi'en left that pile of shit there. Chapter 67 Now in hence past sometimeth, I came to be speaking to The King of Beers . 13 And The King of Beers sayeth unto me, "Go to hence party and drink a lot of wine." 22 Now in myne own thoughts I rebuked him, saying, 31 "Oh, now after tonight I shall certainly not drink to becometh intoxicatedith again." 40 And so at this party I began to consume mucho fuckin' alchohol. And I began to swimith in the poolith- howeverith it wasith very coldith. 49 And I (31) still drank moreth and moreth alchoholith. 58 And soon I hence triedith to put thine combat boot on, I felleth off the chairith. 67 Now on this day I wasith to henceforth attend school, and so I rode Blades home. 76 And on this wayeth I nearly smashesethst into a power line poleth. 85th Now, I had not slept for many an hourith and with a blood alchoholith level around 3.1, I found my person tiredith. 94 So I stopped on the wayeth to the school and layeth down in a nice placeth for a restith. 103 Now I say to all of youihts heads: If ever thou waketh from rest to findeth an only one, solitary, single, lone, individualisty ant on thine personith, ¡Hark! ¡I say Hark!- ¡¡Fucking Hark!! ¡Alas do notith kill it and thinkith no more shall come! 112 For I say to you again: ¡More shalleth come! It is certain, and they shall eat your lunchith, and rise upon your bicycleth, and certainly fill your everyith part of thine personith. 121 And so it was that I drank not to induceth intoxiacaniath again. (40) Chapter 76 So let it be written thus: At Seven and Six of-the-Clock Ante Meridiem onith Sunday, July Sixth, Nineteen-Hundred Ninety-Seven Anno Dio, Pat decided to make a seventy-sixth chapter in his own book. 13 And so it came to pass that one day The Byrd and I went walkething forever. 22 And soon we cameth to Pat's Cornereth. And The Byrd and I alternately pisseth on thus spot. 31 And as we proceedeth down a road we saweth many stupid signs along the road, and I sayeth to The Byrd, "¿Doth these signs hold importance? No. ¿Doth these signs belongith here? No. 40 "¡¡Nahp, illegal!!" And I proceedith to rip hence signs down. 49 So we traveleth on down yonder street. ¡And Hark! We turned east. Now after a ways I sayeth, "Doh, we hast walketh to far." And from knowhere Hetfield answered, "The longer you walk, the farther you crawl." 58 And I said, "Shut up." 67 Soon I found we had entereth Texas, and I said to The Byrd, "Look, for we have entered Texas; where Dr. Peppereth beith only 99¢ a bottle." Thus we continued on and came to Old America. 76 We were astoundedeth by the wonderous things foundeth there. 85 Now we went on walking north, for truly we had to get back to New Mexico. Thus it came to pass that at the border I found a 'Ride the Lightning'ith book. While we were at the border, we proceedeth to buy more Dr. Pepperith. As we continued into New Mexico, we did seeith green bags filled with sand. 94 Now throughout the dayeth many giant insects buzzeth by us. To stop the insects we tossed thus bags into their path, and laughed heartily at their attempts to avoidith the bags. 103 Now in due time we madeth to New Mexico's capitol, and we found villianous peasants there. So we were forceth to reveal our Magikal Dragon Swords which we secretly purchaseth back at the border. 112 Not being prepared for this, the peasants retreated. 121 Now when we thus left New Mexico, we taketh a cart to carry our multinous objectos hence. And so we walked back into Arissonath, and we saweth a house. 130 I then sayeth, "Truly, this house is most cool," thus I declared, "I shall one day live therein." 139 Now before reaching hometh, I dropped the cart off, and voweth not to hurt this one. (49) 148 Oh, yeah, Pat also decidedeth to maketh yet more chapters hence. Chapter 85 And so was writtenith, upon eight and fifty of-the-clock ante meridiem and fifty-five seconds that myne own alarm shall certainly go offith and it is certainly evil. 13 For I myself have heard the beep and two other Pats have heardith the beep saying, "Hear, it is the comingith of the evil alarm." And thus it was written that I put my finger in some nasty, fucking, sacred, decaying, slimy, disgusting, revolting, rotting, god-damned whipped cream shit left there by some Apostle Peckers on my pillow. 22 Let it be known that if onest was to have a bunch of Patiths over and then they were to sleep. 31 And their sleepingiths led to their being all over the fuckingith houseith. 40 And if onith this day I show The Sacred Fucknut's Scroll and un-rollith it's big ass to reveal a bed. 49 And it be let known that Patith is all kinds of preparedith with a poofy bedith mat only to be yoinkithed by Chi'en. 58 Now if on this day Pat's own grandparents were to returnith home to see all these events, they would trip. ¡I say Hark! 67 For If they were to seeith a bunch of Patiths all crazy all over the houseth and undoubtedly find these things to their dislike, 76 then I say truly: damnation would seem enjoyableith compared to the punishment we would all endure. 85 For they would certainly see some The Byrdith guy on a poofy bedith guy in the living roomith. 94 And they would certainly see The Gorilla in the fronteth bedroomith. 103 And they would certainly see a The Biker guy sleeping on a fuzzy scroll in my room and they would certainly see me asleep mere feet away. 112 And all these things would not make them happyith. 121 For it is these things which have been called An Unofficial Pat Patrol Meeting . 130 Now I write again to telleth all to not mix in company with chiggers (58) du-to-thu-fact-dat they areth wrong. 139 In your days you will hear them; and some shall say, "My sister has marriedeth a chigger." 148 And they shall sayeth, "My mother worketh with a chigger." 157 Nonetheless, the chiggers art the reasonith for the whipped cream, the evil alarmith and perchance even Guano Man. 166 It is written: The sacred whipped cream left, the alarm was stopped, Guano Man is away 175 and we all said, "¡Aahrr!" except for The Biker. Chapter 94 Let it be known that in the day this (67) wasith written, Pat was funkyith and smellyeth 13 And he certainly would stoppeth writing to take a showereth. 22 And it became so. (76) 31 And onith this day three Apostle Pats set out to The Mysticith Land of Rolberto's . 40 I, myself went as an Undertakereth Guyeth, and The Biker carriedith The Mystic Guitarrionoith, Tanara 49 and The Byrd certainly went as an Ordinary Guyeth with Bug Glassesethseded. 58 And soith along the way they came to a rockslideth and they certainly wonderededeth what to do. 67 And The Biker did proceedith to caulk the wagon and float across, while the others went aroundeth. 76 And they did know themselvesithsiths that they would be arrestedeth. And they declared, "¡See hereth, we are apostles but we follow no oneith, for there is no one to follow!" 85 And they proceedeth to come upon a fallen logith and I declareded, "See here, we have come upon a fallen logeth." 94 And The Biker did proceedeth to answer, "It is not even especiallyith a telephone pole." 103 And in truth it might have been. 112 And it came to pass that a great wall stood before them. And The Biker proceedith to climb the wall with a crazy Tanara and I proceedith to climb the wall with a crazy Trenchithcoat and The Byrd finally climbed the walleth and we found ourselves in The Mystic Lands of Rolberto's. 121 And let it be known that I alone have consumed a Burrito Supreme- and more. (85) 130 And it was revealed to us thatith Rolberto's was truly a land within a styrofoamith tray and ¡Look Hark! I saw a flag which was a Tootsieth Pop Stickith. 139 And let it be known that in this day a Mystic Warrior came unto Rolberto'sith and truly did he help Lee Chenith. 148 And I looked and I saweth a great person; I came to know that if we are in Rolberto's, the great person shall, one day, eat us. 157 But today we art full and thus was the great person. 166 And a great river flowed through Rolberto's as The Mystic Warrioreth kicked ass. Chapter 103 ith Chapter 112 And it was told unto me: For if you keep eating this food and drinking these drinks then you will certainly grow facial hair 13 and you will certainly become fat 22 and you will certainly begin speaking in another language. And hark, you would even pawn your guitar. 31 And lookith, you buy an accordianith. 34.6 And much as The Devil shall arriveth playing an accordian, so shall you arriveth playing an accordian. 37.3 As is the Devil, so shall you be, both shall playeth thy accordians. This troubled me, so I said unto the apostles, "¡We shoud goeth now!" 40 And so uponith leaving The Mysticith Lando con Rolberto's, the apostles climbith The Wall of Brick and passed a buildingith. 49 And at this time The Biker stoppeth and watched from below as I climbeth the stupidith stairs and hark, I walketh about in a mindless manner. And The Byrd followed me about more mindlesslyeth. 58 Now at another time we came to a strip of The River Asphaultith. Now I proceedith to cross the bridge whilst The Biker again caulked the wagon and floated across. 67 And we did believe that The Byrd had walked across the water. So I said aloud, "¡The Byrd, you must have walked across the water!" But The Byrd answered, "No, I just knew where the stones were." Chapter 121 Now another day in the pastith there came to be some kind of Patiths at a Gorilla's home in some kind of Soapith Operaith place. 13 Now before it was even late, The Gorilla sayeth, "¡Nahp! I am a wusith, and ¡Nahp! I'm going to bedith now. You guys can doeth whatevereth." 22 ¡Let it be known that we did not really want to remain in the stupidith Soap Opera Landith anyway! 31 So we bagat walking and ¡Alas! we decided to explore The Enchanted Tunnels . The Fish then inquired, "¿How is it that we are the only ones here?" And I answeredeth, "For there is no person outside this lateth." 40 And The Biker and I wenteth down into the canyon and proceedith to go towards the tunneliths. And along the way I saweth an unlit torchith. So then I sayeth to The Biker, "¡Look here, for I have seenith an unlit torch; yoink!" 49 And so we continued to walketh and look: we saw ahead, before the entrance to the cavern a great beast. 58 This beast wore scales of metal; for it's legs wereth wheels. And I saw that it's own backbone was broketh, and it's own sides were kicked inith. 67 And I said aloud to the other Patiths, "Look here, for this beast has the scarriths of battle. And surely I've fought him beforith." 76 Thus we kneweth the beast was indeed evil. And so we lured it into it's own caveth, and we proceedith to light the cool torch and, ¡Hark! with the help of all involvith, we burned it's ass into the groundith. 85 Now we looketh out of the tunnels and saweth much smoke eminating from the cave, saying, "Look there, truly, that smoke will bring us much trouble from man eating Cannibals which eatith people canniballistically." 94 So The Biker and I ran awayeth. And soon we became confused becauseith the roads wenteth in many differénte directions. 103 Now The Biker proved to be the most confused; saying that we were needeth to travel west. But then through logic and a minor pummelingith I convinced him to go east. 112 Now we came to a wall which was placedeth there to stop us, and I proceedith to roll beneath it. I do not remember what the others did and I asketh, ¿Doth thou really care? 121 Now as reachingith familiar lands we 'gan to sing aloud: "Hiding in the corner, A little piece of glass. And if you sit upon it, You will cut your... ¡HORSE!" 130 And we also sang: "Once a jollyeth jumbuck, Passeth by a billibong, Under hence shade of a ¡¡Cucarácha Tree!!" 139 And so we headed back victoriously to The Gorilla's home. Chapter 130 Now it came to pass that after these events we climbed The Holy Brick Wall back unto The Gorilla's Complexith and we rested beside yon poolith. And we sayeth to each other, "We are hot and smell of smoketh thus we must jump in yon water to cool offith." 13 So we came upon a plan to grasp each other's heads in assurance that we all jumpeth in. 22 Now it came to be known to all that myne own nudsteriths were frozen. And The The Biker's nudsteriths were frozen. 31 And The Chlorine Death stalked among our presenseths. 40 So now we decidedeth to return home, and The Biker did proceedith to taketh his motorcyclith- and I didith ¡Bike! (94) Chapter 139 ¡Damn! This hence chapter is calleth ¡Fartknocker! Oh well. 13 And Look; I saw a woman trappeth below decks on a pirateth ship, and she doth shouteth, "¡¡The currents, the currents!!" 22 And hence from knowhereth a silly piratey guy shouteth aloud, "¡Arr! ¿What about the salt?" 31 "¡Get out of my way!" she answered back. 40 And look; I saw later the woman atop the mast saying, "¡I cannot fighteth the currents!" 49 And another shouted, "¡It's salty!" And look; all the crew began jumping into the waters, yelling, "¡Salt, salt, salt!" 58 They said warm water will not riseth, and that cold water will not sinketh, 67 ¡¡I shall certainly kill them all!! ¡HA HA HA HA HA HA! 76 ¡HA! ¡HA! ¡HA! ¡¡HA!! ¡HA! Chapter 148 Thus in this dayeth Sardok the Wise did proceedith to seal hence Death Scroll in one chocolate bar. 13 And let it be known that Sardok was powerful and great and wise. 22 Now in this day it came to me: The pointful life is not worth living. We are surroundedeth by cognitive dissonance. 31 And if I felt any worseth I would be dead hence, 40 now if I felt any better, I would not be me. 49 So thus I sayeth unto The Biker: "¿Can we get free food, all whileth we art in Denny's? For if we can, then this song doth not rhyme." 58 Thus The Biker says, "I wonder who is back on the fire." The Biker also telleth me that there be ropeths in The Square's Volleyball Court. 67 Thus I sweareth: One day I shall find hence ropes and I shall climbeth Fuckin' Mountain Guy in Oregon with them. 76 On this same night, it was to beith for me to ask: ¿What the fuck is a ruckus? ¿And how doth thou spell ruckous ruckus? (103) 85 ¿Doth a ruckus screech noisily especiallieth in arguement such as a caterwail? ¿Or is it a scene of noisy or riotous confusion, utter chaos as might be a bedlam, pandemoneum, mayhem or havoc? 94 ¿Or is it a noisy place and a scene of uproar like beith a bear garden or babel? ¿Or hath it been a noisy or showy display designed to impress or advertise liketh a razzledazzle or razzmatazz? 103 ¿Might it be a hence noisy mock serenade to a newlywed couple like a charivari? ¿Or could it beith a noisy merrymaking or celebration as would be hence roisterum or revelry? 112 ¿Might a ruckus be thoth but of noisy laughter like a cachinnation? 121 ¿Doth it be a noisy disturbance and an uproar or a din like a ruction or a rumpus hath been? ¿Or be it noisy confusion or upheaval and rowdy stir as is associated with a commotion or a furore or a hullabaloo or a brouhaha? 130 ¿Or perchance noisy and very enthusiastic as a tumultuous applause might be? 148 ¿Could a ruckus be noisy and insistant as in protest as hath been called vociferous or strident or clamourous or blustering? 157 ¿Or maybe it be moreth like something noisy and harsh sounding or grating or blaring or jarring or raucous or discordant? 166 Which reminiths me: ¿How doth one go about raising a rauckus (112) ruckus? 175 ¿Might oneith weave it with a raised pattern as brocade and some other fabrics are as broché? 184 ¿Or could it require an agent for fermentation as is added to dough, such as yeast to breadmaking or as leven? 193 ¿Or dost one raise it in relief as words or symbols are on specially pressed (121) paper or metal may be? 202 ¿Or might you raise it or lift it up jerkily like hoicking it up? ¿Perhaps you uprear it? 211 ¿Maybe it has to be raised or hoisted by a machine such as a winch or a block and tackle? ¿Who knows, maybe it has to raise in rank, status or the like , for example to exalt or elevate or to promote or to prefer? 220 ¡Maybe it has to be raised from the dead! ¿Revived or resuscitated? ¿Or be it raised from obscurity or unearthed or dredged up? 229 This stuff is hardeth to say because I've raised a ruckus or two in my day and ne'er too much thought about it. 238 The Nigy sayeth that The Biker has one continuous ruckus which never hath stopped. ¿If you raise a ruckus, does it start out young and obediant, then as it's getting older doth it become independant and move out on it's own? 247 ¿Do ruckuses get homesick? A bird in the hand is worth a barrel of corn and The Byrd and I finished a game of Monopoly. Chapter 157 What comes to me thus is the spellingith of the word NAHP. ¿Now there are many ways to spell NAHP, but what is the true spellingith of NAHP? 13 For obviously you hence knoweth that I spelleth it NAHP. While The Gorilla claims the correct spelling is NAUP. 22 The Biker has spelleth it KNOP. While The Dufresne has spelleth it NAHP. 31 I have seen The Byrd spell it, most of the time, KNAPP. Yet The Luscious goes with NAAP. But The Nigy spells it NAP, or at least I think so. Now The Ogre does indeed spelleth it . 40 While The Cheeto has spelled it NOP. 49 There are Pats in other landiths, and they doth truly spell NAHP differently, The Psycho do spellithith it hence NAAP. While The Kahrt has spelled it SHNAUPE. 58 We may never know how The Russ spelleth it. 67 ¡¡Buck-NAHP!! I rememberith a story: Once I found myself in New Mexico with The Biker, for we had ridden The Fuckin' Motorcyclith. 76 Yo, we found a frometh knowhere Magic Eight Balleth Guy, and he lied all kinds of to us. He toldeth us we would all die, and be born again in a water place. 85 And that I would certainly Rest-Up, and The Biker would not. And we would have manieth a cool stuff. 94 ¡As I spoketh with The Magic Eight Ball Guy, I gradually determinedeth that we would all die tonight! So I asketh if we would all die tonight, 103 "¿Will we all die tonight?" I asketh upon it. And it answered, "¡It is certain!" 112 Now panic began to taketh control of me, for truly we would all die. 121 But the great voices toldeth us The Eight Ball wasith lying. So we asketh it, "¿Oh, The Mystic Eight Ball, art thou lying?" And it answered thus, "It is decidedly so." Now I shall ne'er take the word of a The Sacred Eight Ball again. 130 Truly I say unto thee: Do not taketh advice from a The Magic Eight Ball. Now after this we wenteth to Denny's and we truly sat in smokething. 139 Now I drank coffee, thus was the dayeths of myne coffee. And look, and I saw a yellow rabbit with a carrot and he waseth wearing a white hat. 148 And thus more coffee I dranketh, the taller his hat got. Only I thought: I must be trippin'. 157 I don't knoweth why it should be that I was trippin', 166 perhaps it was from that piece of combat boot that I smoketh in myne own Pipe of Nepthysis. 175 It came to pass later that I sayeth unto The Dufresne, "Look here, The Dufresne, thou canneth not spelleth NAHP, NAHP. For this is the same way I spelleth it." 184 And The Dufresne sayeth unto me, "¡I know, we art correct! 193 So, truly NAHP is the correct spellingith of the word, NAHP. Chapter 166 There art no need nor use for prevaricating about the bush, for truly by twenty-one hundred fifty anno Dio there art a four percent chance of the human race beingith extinct. Some hath called labor unions lumbering dinosaurs. ¡Aaah! ¡¿Dinosaurs, where?! 13 Strange music doth eminate with the words of Arissona whilst myne own mind is bombarded with images of dirt and numbers. And truly all priest guys doth shalt should be required to have hundreds of candieth canes in front of their houses. And those candieth canes shall be red and white, and the priests shall also wear red and white. It sucks to beith guys who are still in black and white. 22 Thus in the last hour I asketh aloud: ¿Why is it that Telemundo always haseth scantily-clad chickeths? ¿Art the programmers horny perverts or doth they just know what the their viewers doth desire? 31 Of course you don't want to hear anymore, I understand. A sacred symbol is two golden rings with carvings which come together to maketh a big gilded eight. Half of this should be a big gilded four but for some reason it is not. The old grey guy has been having nightmares. 40 Your seatbelts can practically go to hell. And while there they can meet the entire cast of 90210. And when it snows there, I will know, and a lot of chicks will HAVE to go out with me. 49 Ifith I hadeth James Dean haireth, I would certainly shoot myself. Get a job---thou art fired. ¡¡Hear me talk!! Any person whoso dares to disturb me whilst I play Whiplash on my guitareth shalt find sticks of lit dynamite up their own asses. 58 Gimp-like peoples whose asseseth telleth thee to, "¡Do it this way!" areth quite likely to be beith sizzle-chests and fruit-cakes and truly they art cake-eaters. 67 "¡Oh! Thou art a sock which beith dirty, So I put thee in thus washing machine. Now thou art clean, so I put thee in The dryer and thou tumble around. "Now thou art dry and out but, ¿Where art thy other sock? ¡¿Where art thy other sock?! ¡Thou doth not wanteth to be alone! "Do do do do do do do, ¡But hey! ¡Look over there, Again thou art a pair! Until thou meetest myne stinky feet." 76 Thy damn self shouldeth stop eating bowling balls and damn it, stop putting thy mouth all on my desert . Chapter 175 Once I came to hear a strange bard in Perkin's. And he did singeth a song whichith had words as this: "Touch thy head to a cannonball, Powder thy behind. When I light the fuse so small, It's gonna blow thy mind." 13 Once, I was found to be at the place where liveth The Johnny Cage (130) And I thought at that time that the elaborate decorations in The Johnny Cage's house were well placed.So thus I sayeth to The Johnny Cage, "These decorations art well placeth." 22 And The Johnny Cage did sayeth back, "Thanketh thee." And soon I came upon a hat worn by Rayden, (139) I thought the hat was very coolith, so I tryeth it on. And now I felteth all the energy of a thunderous cloud in me. 31 And The Johnny Cage, seeing this, sayeth, "If thee liketh that one hat, then thou must taketh it, by all means." Truly I was surprised by his generousity, and I graciously thanketh him. 40 It came to pass that later I bought an object (148) which hadeth not enough money for did The Johnny Cage, and this made me feel better. 49 Now later as I walketh towards The Square, the wind twas seekething to blowith myne hat away. So I gras-ped parts of a palm tree and fashoned them into use as a chin-strap. And the palm tree proved to be the most useful. 58 So I, claiming to beith The Lord of Thunder, declaredeth the palm tree to be sacred. 67 Now as we cameth near a stoppeth light, it showed itself to beith red. And there was a strange man benieth the far crossithwalk indicator. 76 Not lookithing to stand idly by and wait for the light, I outstretchedeth myne arm and loosed The Lightning of Rayden. 85 Thus bluish-invisible bolts streaketh about striking the stoppethlight. And abruptly the strange man was felled over. For while my four fingers had aimed the energy up, my thumb had unknowingly pointed him out. Now as I crosseth the street, The Fish looked upon the man, then exclaimed, "¡My Lord Rayden, thou hast killeth him! ¡¡He is dead!! ¡¡¡Thou hast killeth him!!!" 94 And so I learned to curb the fury of myne powers, for they can beith quite dangerous. That really mattereth little though, because no one fucketh with Rayden. 103 It also came to pass that one night, in a burst of haste, I had said, "I don't think so." And The Biker made audible The Unspoken Law: One mayeth not say that without donning said hat. 112 Now it also happeneth on the former night that wind began to blow even more furiously. And the hat bleweth back as I walketh. Now the chin-strap was about my neck. 121 And I calleth out, to The Fish, saying, "¡Cut the strap, for it is about myne neck!" Yet Rush stood still, saying, "¡¡I would cutith it, but yoooouuuu declaredeth the palm tree sacred!!" So thus the strap remains to this very day. 130 It must certainly always remain known that when the time comes for me to serve unto others Dr. Peppereth, that it will be sayeth by me, "Take of this, for it is not my blood, but it is about ninety-four percent of it." 139 And that at five and fifty of the clock post meridiem one Tuesday, August fourth, nineteen-hundred ninety-eight anno Dio that I did begin writing with a new pen. 148 And writing the date out alleth crazy, I recalleth that today art the anniversary of The Gorilla's own birth. 157 And it certainly always must remain known that all servers in Denny's and that all servers in Perkin's shall lie unto me. 166 And they must tell me that they art servething Dr. Pepper, and they must telleth me that I will like it. And it seems I recall some hath calleth me 'The Pat That Should Not Be' because with my wisdom cometh knowledge. 175 And with my knowledge cometh opinions. And with my opinions cometh ignorance. Yet in my ignorance I am always right. And that is for breakfast. Chapter 184 "When thou goest down, when thou goest down, motherfuckereth, when thou goest down, thou goest down fightithing!" 13 To say the least, those were the words I had said in time with a melody before The Termite cameth over. I do not remembereth why The Termite cameth over, but we did intend to go to Paulo's House, for in this time I knew where Paulo liveth. 22 And I did go about proudly sayingith to everyone, "I knoweth where Paulo doth liveth!" 31 Now for most of the journey we tooketh the same path as was recorded in Chapter Seventy-Six. 40 And we did again pisseth at Pat's Corner, and we did again rip hence signs down. Yet from knowhere many gunshot noises and fireworks began going offith. 49 And I sayeth unto The Termite, "Looketh here, these people art stupid, for the new year will not start for an hour hence." Now that I consider it, maybe they were from a different time zone, or maybe they did not set their clocks back for daylight savings time. 58 It has been said that everyone doth get their five minutes of fame, well what if it comes when you have to set your clock forward, and you miss it? 67 After some time, The Termite and I reached Paulo's House, but he had morphed into the Characteristic White Chow, and he just barkethed and barkethed, and barkethed, and barkethed. So finally we left. 76 Now back before we had reached Pat's Corner, The Termite and I had foundeth a bottle of Jack Daniel's Tennesse Whiskey. And Later, The Luscious liked to always mix these with Dr. Peppereth and drinketh them at my house. 85 Now on the way back we did find a shiney, silvery disk with the words 'Ice Cube' on it. I found this strange because it was the same temperature as everything else. 94 Also on the way back, we found a bottle of alchoholith, scribed by The King of Beers, I'm sure The Biker eventually did drinketh that. 103 After The Termite and I droppeth said found objectos at myne house, we took The Blades, and a bike from The Fish and rode to Denny's. 112 And that bike later came to be stolen while locked up at Subway, and I will rolleth on the guy whom taketh it when I find him. 121 I was just wonderith why Anthrax thinketh The Devil liveth in California, and go about singing in a song while The Devil himself plays the solo in that very song. (157) 130 The Devil liveth in Texas! 139 But The Devil did go down to Georgia. So while The Termite and I were in Denny's. I began sayingith, "What the fucketh!? Who the fuck art all of these Chode Warriors!?" For truly Denny's wath filled up. 148 And I goteth very upset, but later I alloweth other Pat's to read The Psycho's letters. And the only one whom can understand The Psycho's writings art The Nigy. 157 It wasith on this night when I did question the raising of a ruckus as recorded in Chaptereth One Hundred and Forty-Eight. 166 And for the first New Year since the last one, I spenteth it sober. 175 And let it be known that Chi'en hath refused to join my band, saying he has a better one with a recording contract! Chapter 193 And so it happeneth that one night The Wall , Steve 1000 and The Armous were madeth Pats. And I hath decided to tell a story of each. 13 Drivething a truck doth not maketh thee a man, many Cake-Eaters and consumers of cake can driveth trucks. 22 And what about those things that haveth beds, yet they look like cars? Would a man driveth a big pink truck? I doubt it. 31 Yet forgiveth me, I am avoiding the stories: 40 The beginningith of this story was losteth in time but, once, The Armous, The Fish and I wert foundeth in a pool hall. As we left we went to The Armous' Truck. 49 Now we pulled out into the street and the truck died. And The Armous did goeth on telling us that the truck was outeth of gas. 58 Now we toldeth him that if Iwe were pushing, his ass was too, so we pushed his truck for 475,000 miles. 67 As we reacheth a gas station, we puteth gas in it but it was useless. For I learned later that up had his engine been siezed. 76 And we walketh home because of The Armous' lack of upkeep on his truck. And it was later that Ma-Ke-Ru made The Armous' Truck into a car and made the engine work and made the window not work. 85 The next tale beginnith at The Gorilla's Party in Celebration of the Anniversary of His Birthday. Manieth a people were there, so, we decidedeth to play football. 94 In this time I was a running back. That's what I did. I did not pass the ball, I didith not catch the ball. Thou shalt not throweth the ball unto me or I will droppeth it. 103 Giveth me the ball and I will run with it, I was thus running back, that's what I did. Now in a play meant to sieze the victory, I looketh ahead and saweth, in my opposition, only a Brother of The 13-Year-Old. 112 So I went even faster, knowing that this little one could not stoppeth me. Suddenly The Brother of The 13-Year-Old moveth! 121 Hark! Behind him lurketh Steve 1000. As I slammeth into him I saweth only a large pink flash. 130 I kneweth directly that I had losteth the ball. I stumbled abruptly and dived upon it, saving the play. However then I retireth. For I had said for many a season, "In the day I fumble, I will beith too old to playeth football and, I shalt retire." 139 Let it be known that I did not actually see these final next events but The Biker toldeth it unto me and I believe him. 148 Once The Biker and The Wall cameth to be at store, and some tweeker lost his jaw to the sight of The Wall. 157 Now inside, it was related to me, The Wall saw a scrub wearing a jersey he liked, and he said unto The Biker, "Hey, go jack that guy and get his jersey for me." 166 And that is just wrong. I do not mess with The Wall because once I drew him as he is and I placeth him next to a greatly exaggerated drawring of myself and he proved to still beith bigger than me. 175 And that is also wrong. And I shall ne'er eatith brisket with The Armous, nor anyone else. 184 And neithereth will The Biker. footnotes *4. Guano Man *13. The Bag Man *22. refers to a Dungeons and Dragons role-playing campaign *31. I refers to Pat *40. not for a really long time anyway *49. this one cart, for it had served them well and without complaint *58. while chiggers are actually tiny parasites that live in the forests of North Carolina, this usage seems to refer to a parody racial slur used to demonstrate the absurd stupidity of racist redneck crackers *67. this chapter *76. it should be noted that when this version was translated from the Ancient Hashianic Language the translator also was funkyith and smellyith and too showered before continuing the translation. you should probably go shower as well, stinky bastard. *85. long after the original printing of this text it turned out that my dad too can eat a Burrito Supreme- and more. truly it must run in the family. *94. ¡Bike! seems to be an arcane ritual by which a bicycle may be caused to travel alongside and at the same rate as a motorcycle. this would be VERY dangerous and should never be attempted by a non-hashian. *103. the large inked "U" covered a ou in the original text, clearly the writer first wrote "ruckous". *112. another scratched out misspelling of ruckus, for sure *121. Some people call this: Embossed, but not the author *130. The Johnny Cage wishes to no longer be called The Johnny Cage and is now refered to as The Elvis but this story doesn't matter, it's in the past. *139. A hat worn by Rayden, like, in the past. I mean, I couldn't have taken it from Rayden if he was actually wearing it. I mean, he'd kick my ass. *148. It was like a die-cast batmobile or something. ¿does anyone care? *157. This Chapter was written before the author had fully enlightened. He was deceived into believing that The Dimebag was The Devil. Later he became fully self-aware, just seconds before Sky-Net, and realized The Devil does indeed live in California, and he has a name, and his name is "Weird" Al Yankovic.